Tuesday, September 3, 2013

How To Catch a Snapping Turtle

It's quite easy and I'm going to show you how.

First, find a Snapping Turtle.
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Next, get closer. Should you unexpectedly go into the muck up to your knees, simply get out of it.
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Get close to your target.
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Step off of the river bed with one leg (recommended) and go hip deep into the muck.
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Extricate yourself. I find helplessly clawing at the sand is the way to go. Keep camera out of water.
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Celebrate your escape.
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Remember why you're doing this.
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Pick up your Snapping Turtle. Do not lift it by the tail like the Animal Planet yokels. Do it properly.
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Inspect your Snapping Turtle before returning it to the water.
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Put it back. Should you lose your footing, a Snapper shell is always good for keeping your balance.
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Celebrate your victory!
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Step forward, ignoring the fact that it is pure muck in front of you, and go balls deep into it, both legs this time.
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Since going forward wont be an option, hoist yourself out backwards towards the turtle to get yourself  onto the slightly more solid riverbed.
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Step onto a fallen tree that just might hold your fat ass up and make a funny concentration face as you edge forward along the slippery branches.
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Get yourself back to "shore"...
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Cleanse yourself at any convenient, nearby waterfall.
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So, if you follow my lesson, you too might be able to catch a Snapping Turtle! Don't get discouraged if you don't have success at first. Just keep applying yourself and soon you can be almost as cool as me.

5 comments:

  1. Absolutely hilarious! I will have to keep this advice handy next time I see a Snapping Turtle...

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  2. Thanks! I figure that if I'm going to get owned so badly by a turtle who is doing NOTHING, I'd better at least have some fun with it!

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